"am i the only one? i dont want to be thought of as "big", i dont care that you call me beautiful right afterwards. maybe its just with what im used to. i live in NYC and im used to being called thick if anything at all. my weight is never usually an issue. i had a guy call me a BBW once and i cursed him out, to me it seems offensive. anyone else feel this way?"
I came across the post above on a kinky website that I follow. It was from a post entitled "Hate the term 'BBW'," and it sparked a pretty heated discussion with many intelligent people giving their thoughts. It also kind of hit close to home for yours truly. Now I think that this person was completely out of line for berating another human being for essentially paying her a compliment, but her words do bring up some interesting questions about my affinity for larger ladies, and my abundant use of the term “BBW.”
Until very recently, I only saw the positive side of the term BBW. I have done absolutely no research prior to writing this drivel, but I am almost categorically certain that this term was originally meant to signify high praise for plus size women. It is an acronym for Big Beautiful Woman, after all. However, I have discovered that “BBW” has also come to connote everything that women hate about being overweight and has garnered a stigma, partly because of its connection with the porn industry, partly because it has become another term that fat haters use to insult big women. The other reason that “BBW” will get you just as many frowns as smiles is the first B. Most women don’t want to be referred to as “big,” even if their obvious beauty is recognized as well. Consequently, as a BBW lover, I am always toeing the line; I am simultaneously perceived as a good guy who loves all women (and many BBWs appreciate this), but also as person who perpetuates society’s tendency to categorize women based on size.
If you pay attention to the stuff I post here, you know that I am not just a blogger on the subject of BBW love, I am also an active participant. I share my bed, and my life, with a very curvy woman. I call her “Ms. Chuck” on the interwebs. While I wouldn’t call her fat, and I would say that she falls in the lighter side of the BBW scale, she is clearly not a skinny woman. I’d give her height and weight, but she would literally kill me. But for reference, think of some of the smaller BBW porn chicks (Jane Kush and Crystal Clouds come to mind). Without using all the terminology, I would just say that she’s smoking hot, and I thought this about her many years before I ever even heard the term BBW. But in my mind, and I suspect in the minds of the dudes who leer at my Lady when I take her out in public as well, Ms. Chuck’s thickness is part of her beauty. It is difficult to tell her how hot she is without noting her thick thighs or her ample breasts or her round butt.
Ms. Chuck’s size, and my love for it, was a major point of contention in the early years of our relationship. We never argued about IF I found her attractive, we argued about WHY. She was angry with me, to the point of tears, because I was enamored with the very things that she hated about herself. Ms. Chuck is a corporate type who wears suits to work, and she is always upset that her curves make her stand out among the barbies around her everyday. She doesn’t fit society’s mold, and every one of my compliments were perceived as insults to her. I made the mistake of calling her “thick” in public (smiling proudly as I did this), and I was in the doghouse for weeks. During this period in our relationship, she did that annoying thing that women do when they expect you to figure out what they’re feeling without just coming out and telling you. Guys, this is frustrating, but if you can succeed at reading her mind, and catering to her needs, the benefits will blow you away.
Initially, I was frustrated because I thought she didn’t understand or appreciate that I loved (and lusted after) her for who she was. That wasn’t the problem. She recognized that I liked her curves. Her problem was not that I couldn’t call her beautiful; it was that I couldn’t call her “thin.” The fact that she didn’t fit into the image that society says is beautiful bothered her tremendously, and my compliments only reminded her of this. I believe this is an unintended problem with the term “BBW,” in that every time that we call someone a Big Beautiful Woman we are also calling her “Big,” and thus highlighting and even emphasizing the fact that she is in some way different. Her beauty is noted, and most women will appreciate that sentiment, but it is never lost on her that she isn’t beautiful in the same way Heidi Klum or Mila Kunis is beautiful. This is why not only BBW, but terms like plus size, thick, plump, fluffy, curvy, etc., can always do just as much harm as good.
I handled my situation with Ms. Chuck honestly. I told her that I think she is beautiful as she is, but I can’t call her thin. I took my lumps, but eventually convinced my Love that women can be truly beautiful at any size, and that she is not inferior to her skinny counterparts. She’s even seen a few of my porn pics (though she’s not a porn fan, by any means), and she understands my appreciation for women of size. She is still fighting the good fight, and trying to lose a few pounds, but she knows she will always be hot even if her body never changes. That said, I will never call her thick again, just for safety’s sake.
I suspect that most women’s opinions on the term “BBW” would bare more resemblance to the quote above than the messages given through blogs such as this and big girl porn. Even the most confident and sexy BBWs you know carry within them resentment towards society’s view of them and even a desperate desire to be thin. I’ve touched on this briefly in the past, but this fact adds a bit of guilt to being a BBW lover. My attempts to make a beautiful woman feel even more beautiful have the side effect of reminding her of what may be the bane of her existence. Terms meant to flatter can also offend.
Ultimately, “BBW” and terms like it were coined for the purpose of adulation. It is important for women to recognize that a man who likes big women is usually not some pervy fetishist who gets off on obesity. Most BBW lovers appreciate the female form in all of its sizes, and recognize big girls simply as the beautiful creatures they are. From my perspective, Melissa McCarthy and Halle Berry are in the same league. Though they may have radically different body types, both women are incredibly beautiful. I would love to eliminate all of the labels from our lexicon, but that is all they are. No woman is defined by these labels, and no woman’s beauty is dictated by her size. The guy calling you a BBW fully understands this.
