Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Grown Up Shit...

Been dealing with grown up shit lately, and when you're dealing with grown up shit, you have to put the fat girl porn away for a bit. This is the reason for the lack of posts in the past week or so. It also means I am forced to contemplate the demise of this little blog.

By this time next month, I will be 34 years old, married, employed (hopefully!), and getting ready for the next round of grad school. And, don't tell Ms. Chuck, but I think I have caught the baby bug, and serious discussions about making a family will begin very soon. So your boy will become a man right before your eyes.

Of course, I've either been dreading or completely ignoring all this grown up shit this last month or so, living my life the same reckless immature way I always have, porn and wine being my most abundant vices. Thank God I haven't been able to score weed during this down time or I would be high as I'm writing this. I have basically become Hank Moody without the money, the myriad pussy, or the writing talent. But I have made a decision to get my shit together. Well, I may have been forced to.

Yesterday afternoon I was driving, still feeling the affects of a weekday wine bender the night before, and decided to make a dangerous lane change in front of the truck pictured above. I was much too close to the truck, and I found myself in that blind spot that people always warn you about. So before I could get safely in front of the trucker, I was scraped violently on the back driver's side, putting some dings and gashes all over my pretty little Chevy. My car was so beautiful before this little fender-bender, and I almost cried when I saw the damage. Luckily, we were going slowly, or that monster would have squashed my little Chevy like a ladybug.

But I'm fine, I lived to blog about it. It'll be an expensive little problem for me, but I'll make it. And I'll learn from it. It's funny how a car accident can shake you up and make you evaluate things. I think about how I had to leave my house at exactly the right time, and I had to try to make a lane change at exactly the right moment, at exactly the right speed. As tragic as many car crashes may be, it is interesting to view them as startling examples of fate or destiny, to observe the ways in which these "accidents" are not accidental at all, how they may have been meant to happen for whatever reason.

After the truck hit me, I pulled over to the side of the road and screamed various expletives at the top of my lungs, partly out of anger with myself and the trucker, but also because I knew that my reckless driving was the result of the reckless lifestyle I've been living for the past month or so. The situation made me evaluate what I was living for.

And it made all of the grown up shit far more real than it's ever been. What if I had died? They would have found my skinny, possibly mangled body with alcohol still in my system. Eventually someone would have looked in my bag, opened the CD case and found the porn dvd I was watching and may have reviewed here. (It's called "Bouncy Sex Pigs, by the way, and aside from the creepy animal role play, it's fucking hot... and Cassie Blanca is amazing in it.) Eventually someone would have opened my Macbook and saw the sexy pics that were waiting in one of the folders to be posted here, or opened my tweetdeck to see the freaky twitter updates of the naughty people that I follow, or opened my yahoo messenger or Skype apps and saw nothing but strange female names as my contacts.

Part of me is proud of my online craziness, but I am also conscious of the conservative nature of those who know me in real life, including a certain beautiful woman who lives in my house, and I don't want these things to be a lasting memory for any of them. Of course there are certain religious folks who know all about some of my dirty habits and will forever judge me, but fuck them (I may share that story at some point). But I don't want the people that I love, and who couldn't possibly understand what goes on here, to see me in a disturbing light.

So, I will be focusing on the grown up shit in my life more closely from now on, and blogging less and less, until ultimately, BBWF disappears forever.

I am still a bit shaken up; I keep having flashbacks and those tormenting "what if" scenarios playing over and over in my head even as I type this. And I will never again drive within ten feet of one of those goddamned trucks. So I'm a little down at the moment. I'll need some fairly expensive Pinot Noir and a camgirl with the ability to make me smile before the end of the day. Then the grown up shit will begin anew.

And I haven't forgotten about Boobie Wednesday. Look for a titty post, and a good one, at some point in your blogging day.

But soon the wild, sexy, dirty, ride that is BBWF will be over. I have to grow up at some point... I guess.

Later, people.

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